Yea! I finally have a tentative appointment to MD Anderson! Can you believe it?! Thank you for your prayers and support!
You know how I have been pretty calm for the most part? Pretty upbeat? Pretty positive? Well, I realized something just now.......I'm pretty sure I'm in denial. I really am. Pretty sure that is. I really don't think the fact that I have Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma has really hit me. Yes, I've had the mammos, ultrasound, biopsy, scans of this and that, blood work, seen surgeons, oncologists, told friends and family...but.....I'm not sure my heart believes it. It's not totally real.
I wonder if other cancer survivors can understand how I feel.....this is so weird. I wonder if you, those closest to me, have seen this coming? I wonder..........this is really strange.
I'm reading a fabulous book, How to Handle Trouble A guide to Peace of Mind, by John Carmody. Now this man has truly known trouble! I'm only on page 18, but wow! What powerful 18 pages they are! He refers to the famous Serenity Prayer:
I have made a conscious decision to change what I can - my attitude.
I think perhaps, for today at least, I know the difference.
Some days, though, are totally unfocused and, well, I feel a bit lost. One day I can read other's stories about their journey through breast cancer, other days I can barely read a word. One day I'm focused and productive, the next I'm floundering to complete simple tasks. Eeeeesh!
I have been listening to our pastor's sermons online (http://www.hftwchurch.org/component/preachit/audio/237-living-on-purpose.html) and he talked about Paul saying, "One thing I do...".
13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
And there is one thing I do every day regardless of the circumstances: I praise God, I thank God and I pray. I refuse to live, as Pastor stated, "doing well under the circumstances". As he said, "I'm not living under the circumstances,", I'm living victorious in Christ Jesus!
He also talked about living a purposeful life this year - knowing why we are doing what we are doing. Almost immediately I thought of the white three ring binder I have with all my medical paperwork for MD Anderson. I want to live a purposeful life this year by focusing on beating cancer. My why? Why for me of course, and my dear family and friends. There are too many wonderful happenings in my life, loving family and friends to leave this world! I WANT TO LIVE! So, I plan to decorate the front of my notebook with a page of pictures of all my loved ones and myself, of course.
So, perhaps I am in denial. I probably am. But, I'm realizing that is not important - it's simply my truth. What is important is my purpose: to live and my "why": me and you.
I am creating beautiful things though. It's fun.
|I made this cover for the notebook I carry to my appointments.|
This crocheted hat will be for my sister-in-law! Two more will be made, one for my aunt and another for me. Of course they will be personalized with different flowers. If I'm possibly going to lose my hair, I'm going to wear, as my granddaughter would say, "pretties".
For today, that is my truth.