Delays, Frustration and Remembering Laughter

I really look forward to the weekends because that means I'm off the roller coaster of emotional upheavals, anticipation of test results and awaiting various authorizations.  Today I was supposed to get the BRAC analysis results, along with chest CAT Scan and Bone Scan results.   But the doctor didn't have the BRAC results, so I postponed the appointment until next Thursday.  

I FINALLY got authorization for the BRAC, but the doctor drew the blood for the BRAC before we had authorization from the insurance company, So, the lab won't run the analysis on that blood.  They need a new draw.  Another 7 - 10 days of waiting AFTER the second draw.   Oh, but first I need a doctor's order for the new draw.  

I should have the authorization for MD Anderson tomorrow.  One day at a time.  

I am exhausted of dealing with doctors, delays due to the holidays and insurance companies.  Note to self:  don't get diagnosed with cancer during the holidays and make sure I always ask insurance questions first, then focus on fighting to live.  

Do you feel my frustration?   I'm clinging to the scriptures Pastor quoted when he prayed for us:  when  you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. Isaiah 43;2a

I have to be honest, this afternoon I felt like I was drowning in frustration. My hand is reaching through the waves to God.  My flame isn't burning as brightly as usual, but it's still burning. And I still praise him through my confusion, my frustration, my doubts about the decisions I'm making and my insomnia. He still sits on the throne. As I write these words my flicker of light is slowly growing.

Pastor also said that after going through the fire, I would come out as gold.  So, for tonight, probably even tomorrow I will rest in the prayers of you, my friends and family who are on this journey with me.  

Now, to remember laughter. 

The other evening two  friends came over to visit. They brought pan de rosca.  It's a large, tasty sweet bread with the figure of the Baby Jesus hidden within it's dough.  Whoever gets Baby Jesus in their serving buys or makes the tamales for the Tamalada - a party held on February 2nd where tamales are the main dish. 

My friend, whom I love dearly, is an atheist.  As she was serving herself, she nearly decapitated the baby figurine!  Later on, we couldn't believe it when she got her second piece of cake and nearly choked on a second  baby figurine!  How we laughed that night!   

As we were sitting in my living room filled with the warm glow of lamp light, I looked around at husband and friends rocking in laughter and realized how blessed I truly am. It was beautiful.  

Today was tough, but ending it with gratitude makes the victory mine - and God's.  

And, for today, that's my truth.