An appointment and a realization - new to me, but probably not to you.

 

Yea!  I finally have a tentative appointment to MD Anderson!  Can you believe it?!  Thank you for your prayers and support!

You know how I have been pretty calm for the most part?  Pretty upbeat?  Pretty positive?  Well, I realized something just now.......I'm pretty sure I'm in denial.  I really am.  Pretty sure that is.  I really don't think the fact that I have Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma has really hit me.  Yes, I've had the mammos, ultrasound, biopsy, scans of this and that, blood work, seen surgeons, oncologists, told friends and family...but.....I'm not sure my heart believes it.  It's not totally real. 

I wonder if other cancer survivors can understand how I feel.....this is so weird.  I wonder if you, those closest to me, have seen this coming?  I wonder..........this is really strange. 

I'm reading a fabulous book, How to Handle Trouble A guide to Peace of Mind, by John Carmody.  Now this man has truly known trouble!  I'm only on page 18, but wow!  What powerful 18 pages they are!  He refers to the famous Serenity Prayer:


http://theycallmegomer.tumblr.com/post/32866197658


I've accepted what I cannot change, - I have breast cancer.
I have made a conscious decision to change what I can - my attitude.
I think perhaps, for today at least, I know the difference. 

Some days, though, are totally unfocused and, well, I feel a bit lost.  One day I can read other's stories about their journey through breast cancer, other days I can barely read a word.  One day I'm focused and productive, the next I'm floundering to complete simple tasks.  Eeeeesh!

I have been listening to our pastor's sermons online (http://www.hftwchurch.org/component/preachit/audio/237-living-on-purpose.html) and he talked about Paul saying, "One thing I do...". 

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

Philippians 3:12

 

And there is one thing I do every day regardless of the circumstances:  I praise God, I thank God and I pray.  I refuse to live, as Pastor stated, "doing well under the circumstances".  As he said, "I'm not living under the circumstances,", I'm living victorious in Christ Jesus! 

He also talked about living a purposeful life this year - knowing why we are doing what we are doing.  Almost immediately I thought of the white three ring binder I have with all my medical paperwork for MD Anderson.  I want to live a purposeful life this year by focusing on beating cancer.  My why?  Why for me of course, and my dear family and friends.  There are too many wonderful happenings in my life, loving family and friends to leave this world!  I WANT TO LIVE!  So, I plan to decorate the front of my notebook with a page of pictures of all my loved ones and myself, of course. 

So, perhaps I am in denial.  I probably am.  But, I'm realizing that is not important - it's simply my truth.  What is important is my purpose: to live and my "why":  me and you. 

I am creating beautiful things though.  It's fun. 

I made this cover for the notebook I carry to my appointments.

 

 


http://lovestitches.blogspot.com/2011/04/pattern-for-my-ridge-hat-with-brim.html

 
This crocheted hat will be for my sister-in-law!  Two more will be made, one for my aunt and another for me.  Of course they will be personalized with different flowers. If I'm possibly going to lose my hair, I'm going to wear, as my granddaughter would say, "pretties". 


For today, that is my truth. 

FRUSTRATION. FRUSTRATION. FRUSTRATION. Is there a bright side? Yes.

Oh my God! 
So we have the medical clearance to go to MD Anderson.  All faxes have been sent and received, finally!

So we have the financial clearance to go to MD Anderson.  Except for one tiny complication. 

I received an authorization to a surgeon I had never even heard of.  Naturally I switched it my own surgeon.  BAD MOVE.  REALLY BAD MOVE.  THE WORST.  This unknown surgeon for some reason had the same authorization number as my authorization number to MD Anderson.  So guess what?  Yup, you guessed it.  My authorization number to MD Anderson was transferred to my local surgeon. 

You

have

GOT

to

be

kidding

me.

 

Seriously.

 

 

Oh, and as I am working with someone who is definitely smart and willing to send it to her supervisor and we were disconnected.  Disconnected.  Yup, that's how I'm feeling.  Do they even care? Well, I called back and the person I was talking to sent it up to the gurus, the powers that be.  The second lady added an "urgent" and maybe tomorrow at 7:30 am I'll know something. 

  

NOW I am so frustrated.

NOW I am writing an emotional post.

NOW I AM ANGRY. 

NOW.........I have again, no where else to turn but to God.  

 

Recently I was reading this sweet lady's blog (http://www.swtblessings.com/ ) and emailed her.  She responded with a kind note and a verse:  Isaiah 46:4.  As I was waiting on my insurance company, I looked it up.  Wow.

http://www.crosscards.com/cards/scripture-cards/isaiah-46-4.html

What was that I had written about control?  About doing everything and then standing?  And what about what Karen wrote about kneeling?  And aren't we strongest on our knees?

 

Then I went to my email to check out my daily promise from 365 Promises ( I was on the phone waiting for a while).  Look at this:

 



http://www.365promises.com/daily-promises/2015/1/28/promise-28-wednesday-january-28-2015.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+365promises+%28365promises.com%29

Wow.  So, God made me, He is carrying me, He will sustain me, He will rescue me from all these complications.  And because of that, I am more than a conqueror. 

 

Even in my anger.

Even in my frustration.

Even in my fear.

Even in....well, all things.

 

I love you, my friends and family.  Thank you for your cards, emails, notes and texts.  I don't open your cards when they get here.  I save them for times like these.  Gonna go and open me up some cards now.

 

For today, that is my truth.

 

 



 

Great news. Update on my heart and spirit.

We got so many results at yesterday's doctor appointment!

1)  My CT scan is clear - no metastasis to my organs - the cancer has not spread to my organs!

2)  My bone scan is clear - no metastasis to my bones - the cancer has not spread to my bones!

3)  The BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 gene mutations are negative!  I do not carry the gene for breast cancer! 

We were so happy!  so grateful!  so relieved! My husband and I hugged and cried and hugged some more!  Then I looked down my shirt at told the girls, "No more jokes like that - ok?"

So, what does this mean?
1) I am still planning to go to MD Anderson for an opinion only.  Hopefully I can get in by next week.  Still waiting on my insurance letter.  My oncologist is eager to hear what they have to say.

2) Then, I make an appointment with my surgeon and we talk about the surgery and set a date.

3)  I don't need a bi-lateral mastectomy or even a mastectomy.  Just a lumpectomy.  But I have to keep in mind that nothing is for certain until they get in there.  They will remove the 11.43 mm tumor  (It's really small!)  and then about 2 cm all around it to get clear margins.  They will also remove 1-2 lymph nodes to make sure they're clear. 

4) Because I am triple negative, we have one shot at curing me.  So, radiation and chemo are in my future as well. 

But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philipians 4:13

And you know, even if I had had the BRCA gene, I would still praise God - maybe through my tears - but I would still praise Him.  Because I love and trust Him.  He knows the path I take.

So, I'm doing ok.

I shared with a dear friend that I haven't gone down the road of Why Me?  I've stayed out of Bitterness City and Angry With God County.  Thank God!

Believe me, I'm very familiar with both locations.  But, finally, I've realized that those areas rob me of so much energy and time.  Finally I realize that.  I don't have time for games.  I DO have time for Him who began a good work in me, for praise, for faith, for trust, for love. 

I have cried.  I have had sleepless nights.  I have researched how women deal with bi-lateral mastectomies.  I have been sad.  But, most of the time, I look back and see only one set of footprints.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’

-Mary Stevenson

 

I'm good because I have Him.....and you....in my life. 

And for today, that's my truth. 



Hugs. Heartbeats. Reality Came A Knockin'. Nails. Tears. Tenderness. Part 2

Well, here's Part 2. 

My sister-in-law, the one being treated for breast cancer FOR THE SECOND TIME recommended I remove my gel nails. Now most of you know I'm not really foo-foo and that I didn't want to begin getting "my nails done", but I did - at the request of my precious husband.  He makes such few requests, how could I deny him?

Anyway, I went to get them taken off and I cried.  I couldn't believe I was crying over gel nails!  But I was and, as Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true."  So I am.  I cried.....
realizing I could lose so much more than fancy fingernails. 
Realizing and wondering what else I may lose. 
Realizing that I'm blessed to have so many loving people surrounding me. 
Realizing that God is still good.

Afterwards my daughter, grandbabies and I spent time together.  As I cried with her ( yes, it was a crying day), she said, "Ok, I was saving this, but you need it now."  Look what she made for me!  This is called a Mondo Bag.  She and I took the class at our local Bernina quilt shop.  With everything going on, I asked her to finish it for me and wala!  She did!  Isn't it beautiful?!   And that's not all....

She made me this linen clutch!  With my favorite hexagons and her lovely Dresden plate!  It goes perfectly with the Mondo bag and will be great to keep me organized!  And there's more clutches to come!  I tried showing a picture of the back, but oh my!  My technological learning curve is somewhat vertical!

 



 

Well, as the kids napped, I ran to Jo Ann's for retail therapy to pick up some things we really needed.  I actually started tearing up at the register and broke down in my car.  But you know what?  It's ok.  I may have shared this before:

 

There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

Washington Irving

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/washington149294.html

 

 

My daughter and grandbabies showed me love and tenderness all afternoon, until I was ready to come home.  Life is good, real good.

 

Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

 If God is for us, who can be against us?

http://biblehub.com/romans/8-31.htm

 

And for today, that is my truth.  

 

An Update. Hugs. Heartbeats. Reality Came A Knockin'. Nails. Tears. Tenderness. Part 1

So much has happened in the last 24 hours.  Good events.  Painful events.  Tender events.  How to take it all in?  I am surrounded by loving, good, really good people.  I love you all so much!

UPDATE:  I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. My husband and a good friend, a fellow cancer survivor, J,  will going with me.  My parents plan to be there.  And I just found out my brother-in-law will be there as well!  Like my sister said, "We are a small family, but we are very strong!"  He'll be giving me the results of the CT Chest Scan.  That one had dye in it.  I should also have the results of the Bone Scan.  That one was weird because I was injected with radioactive calcium.  I hoping against hope that the BRACK results will be in as well.  It's a big appointment.  I purposely kept this week filled with visits with loving friends, grandbabies and my children.   J. called and let me know about a breast cancer support group meeting on Saturday morning.  I'm eager to attend!

Yesterday I was waiting for "the call" from my doctor's insurance expert. She was going to call me to let me know the authorization number for MD Anderson.  Mind you, she wasn't calling to see IF I got an authorization, but to give me an authorization number.  At least that's what she told me last Thursday.  That's just who she is.  All I can say is that I'm glad she's on MY side!  :)

I went to lunch with two close friends.  At the restaurant I realized I had forgotten my phone.  After a momentary panic, I realized it was a gift.  I would relax and enjoy their company. 

At one point I was lost in thought, and one of them tenderly asked what was on my mind.  I don't even remember what I said, I just remember how lovingly she looked at me and how patiently she waited as I answered her. 

Her son is coming home after a year long sojourn around the world - literally.  I can't imagine the pain of not physically seeing my son for an entire year!  Of course there's Skype, but we agreed it's not the same.  She said that she loves to hug her son because her head just reaches his chest - right where she can hear his heartbeat.  What a lovely picture.  A son hugs his mother, laying her head on his chest.  A grateful mother rests in her son's embrace, listens to his heartbeat and thanks God he's home. 

Well, we got home and yes, there was the call.  We three sat in the living room as I tried to get through.  Once we connected, my friends eyes are glued to my face as I hear the words, "I have your authorization number." 

I'm going to MD Anderson. 
I'm going to MD Anderson because I have breast cancer. 
I have breast cancer. 
It's real.  

My friends see it in my face.  Reality came a knockin'. 

And for today, this is my truth. 




http://www.swtblessings.com/2014/04/be-still-and-know.html?m=1

Birdfeeders and Normalcy

What a wonderful today was!  It felt....well....normal.  Pre cancer normal.  It was wonderful!

As you know, I used to watch my two grandbabies, my train boy who is five and my cuddly bear who is three.  Well, I just picked them up today and got the whole day with them.  We had so much fun!  We ran to the store and got the "stuff" we needed to make these birdfeeders.  We made them last year as well, so I guess this can now be considered a tradition!  :)

http://buttonsandpaint.blogspot.com/2014/02/bird-seed-feeders.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+ButtonsAndPaint+(buttons+and+paint...)

We made a them outside in our backyard with the sun shining down upon us - sort of like a warm hug from Jesus himself.  It was wonderful.  My train boy was distressed at getting his hands dirty while my little bear just dug right in!  They are such wonderful kiddos!  My grandbabies are such generous souls that they began making a mental list of all the people they wanted to bless with birdfeeders!

Naturally, we didn't wait overnight for them to dry (if you do this activity - I highly recommend you wait! :) )  to string them and one broke, but it was ok.  We just fed the birds cookies!  They came out wonderful and will be wonderful gifts for our birdy friends. 

After a huge lunch, we napped together - Ama (their name for me) is getting old! 

God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
On sunshiny days.
On grandbaby days.
On cancer days.
On hugs from Jesus days.

For tonight, this is my truth.

Memories of Weekend Fun Helps With More Waiting

Well, I hope you had a great weekend.  I really love my weekends!  Saturday my daughter, her husband, my husband and my grandbabies headed out to the mountains for a surprise day in the snow.  I hope that the next time we do this, we plan for my son to be there as well.  I missed him.  I ice skated for the first time!  Snow tubing was fun as well!  The best part was watching them laugh and play together. 

Today I picked up my grandbabies.  As I write this, they are playing outside as we finally have a beautiful, sun shining day!

We did get the doctor's order for the redraw for the BRACK.  I went Tuesday and then enjoyed a nice meal with my parents.  At one point, Mom had her head in her hands.  I held her and tried to comfort her.  I hate what this is doing to my family. 

There's no news on the authorization to go to MD Anderson.  My daughter pointed out to me that I needed to use an important resource:  my PCP's insurance person!  Duh!  Of course!  She is on the ball advocating for me.  I expected an answer today, but my PCP is closed on Martin Luther King Day, so we have another day of waiting. 

Waiting as I listen to my grandbabies chatter and laughter.
Waiting as I relive the weekend.
Waiting as I pray.
Waiting as I praise.
Waiting as I learn to lean.
Waiting and Standing.

Time to play with grandbabies! 

I appreciate you all so much.  Your comments, both online and in person mean the world to me! 

For today, that's my truth!

Standing

https://inspirethemblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/17/let-go-and-let-god-handle-it/

 

As you could probably tell from my last post, yesterday was a tough day - and so was today. A cold, dreary day.  Perfect for a pity party.

But then came the afternoon with bird watching, prayer and meditation.  Now don't think I'm all spiritual.  I'm just an average person with a faith I cling to, I rejoice in and I am so grateful for. 

Last weekend my sweet husband raked up the fallen leaves and made my backyard look beautiful.  I set out seed in high feeders for the birds who are trying to make it through the winter's low temps.  Then, lo and behold, there were actually robins in our backyard!  This is huge for us!  We get doves, pigeons and sparrows - but robins!  That was cause to celebrate!  Imagine the joy that coursed through my depressed and discouraged heart when I saw them!  My little flame of faith began to glow with an even brighter light. 

I prayed and let the Lord know how tired I was of trying, of fighting, of advocating for myself.  And you know what my good friend, my advocate who controls all things said to me?  He said, "You're not quitting, you're standing.  There's a difference.  You have been fighting, advocating and trying.  You've been so busy that you forgot to let go and let God. Just stand now, stand in faith."

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God,

so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to

stand your ground,

and after you have done everything, to stand.

¹⁴ Stand firm then,

with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith,

with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6:10 - 17
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%206&version=NIV

 

So, I'm letting go and letting God.  And I'm still standing.

 

For today, that's my truth.

Delays, Frustration and Remembering Laughter

I really look forward to the weekends because that means I'm off the roller coaster of emotional upheavals, anticipation of test results and awaiting various authorizations.  Today I was supposed to get the BRAC analysis results, along with chest CAT Scan and Bone Scan results.   But the doctor didn't have the BRAC results, so I postponed the appointment until next Thursday.  

I FINALLY got authorization for the BRAC, but the doctor drew the blood for the BRAC before we had authorization from the insurance company, So, the lab won't run the analysis on that blood.  They need a new draw.  Another 7 - 10 days of waiting AFTER the second draw.   Oh, but first I need a doctor's order for the new draw.  

I should have the authorization for MD Anderson tomorrow.  One day at a time.  

I am exhausted of dealing with doctors, delays due to the holidays and insurance companies.  Note to self:  don't get diagnosed with cancer during the holidays and make sure I always ask insurance questions first, then focus on fighting to live.  

Do you feel my frustration?   I'm clinging to the scriptures Pastor quoted when he prayed for us:  when  you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. Isaiah 43;2a

I have to be honest, this afternoon I felt like I was drowning in frustration. My hand is reaching through the waves to God.  My flame isn't burning as brightly as usual, but it's still burning. And I still praise him through my confusion, my frustration, my doubts about the decisions I'm making and my insomnia. He still sits on the throne. As I write these words my flicker of light is slowly growing.

Pastor also said that after going through the fire, I would come out as gold.  So, for tonight, probably even tomorrow I will rest in the prayers of you, my friends and family who are on this journey with me.  

Now, to remember laughter. 

The other evening two  friends came over to visit. They brought pan de rosca.  It's a large, tasty sweet bread with the figure of the Baby Jesus hidden within it's dough.  Whoever gets Baby Jesus in their serving buys or makes the tamales for the Tamalada - a party held on February 2nd where tamales are the main dish. 

My friend, whom I love dearly, is an atheist.  As she was serving herself, she nearly decapitated the baby figurine!  Later on, we couldn't believe it when she got her second piece of cake and nearly choked on a second  baby figurine!  How we laughed that night!   

As we were sitting in my living room filled with the warm glow of lamp light, I looked around at husband and friends rocking in laughter and realized how blessed I truly am. It was beautiful.  

Today was tough, but ending it with gratitude makes the victory mine - and God's.  

And, for today, that's my truth.  

Going Public!

Hello out there -everyone in "bloglandia"!  Today is my first day as a public blog writer and it's very exciting!  Hopefully, you will be encouraged and uplifted as you read this blog.

In just a few hours I will be going for a chest CT scan with dye injection.  Apparently it may cause nausea so my son is going with me.  Tomorrow is a bone scan.  Then Monday I have an appointment with the oncologist to hopefully get the results of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 tests.  I'm pretty nervous about that one.  It could mean the difference between a lumpectomy or bilateral mastectomy.  However, I know God leads the way.  He goes before me.  He goes at my side.  He is with me.  Period.  

The wheels are slowly moving towards going to MD Anderson. 

This whole experience doesn't feel real.  I sometimes stop in the middle of the day/night and say, "Girl, you have cancer.  Did you know that?  You have cancer."  And then I simply don't believe it's me with cancer.  It's so surreal.   This morning, my sister-in-law told me that's normal. 

This post will be continued, but, for now, this is my truth. 

How It All Began - Part 2

Hello There!

I've realized that, for a season, I'll be taking you back and forth in time.  the first part of my posts will be the latest news.  The second part will be the wonders God has performed up until this point.  Eventually the two shall meet. 

We have definitely decided to go to MD Anderson.  I called my wonderful oncologist and they are beginning to make arrangements. 

Lately I have felt like a tortilla, flipping back and forth between choosing doctors, locations, treatments and dealing with my insurance company!  My God!  So many decisions.  But, in my heart of hearts, I knew MD Anderson was in my future.  A few events led up to this decision.

1) When the mass was first found, back in November, I looked at a panel quilt I had made and knew, just knew in my heart, that I would be stitching the binding by hand in our truck on our way to Houston.  I believe now that the Lord was guiding me.  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

2)  My oncologist already has a great working relationship with MD Anderson, understands my indecision about what to do and finally offered to arrange the appointment himself to get me in faster. 

3) I shared my conflicting feelings with my dad and then asked him what he would do in my situation.  He told me he would go for the best care possible. Then he walked me through my fears, helped me face them and helped me realize how insignificant they were.  Thank God for daddies!

4) My darling husband's unwavering support, love and patience with me during this whole journey.  He is amazing - my precious gift from God!

Life is indeed fabulous!

This past Sunday, as we were waiting for a friend, Pastor came up to us, and, after a brief introduction, asked us if there was anything he could pray for us about.  Wow!  As my husband explained our situation, I saw his loving concern for me in his face.  I am blessed beyond words.  As they both prayed over the entire situation, I could only agree and praise God!  Then, I saw the tears building in both their eyes.  There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.  - Washington Irving

I heard this quote on Criminal Minds, I know, I know!   But this show has awesome quotes!  I found it on  http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/washington149294.html

Time to switch gears and continue the tale of how it all began:

After this church service, we continued prepare for Thanksgiving and live our lives.  We had a great Thanksgiving, which was made all the sweeter by knowing that, as my sister later wrote, "We are a small family, but very strong."  I believe I appreciated my family even more as we sat around the table. 

Then, as we prepared for church, the following Sunday I believe, I was singing a praise and worship song I had heard the first time we attended our church.  It totally blessed me then and even now.  I realized that ever since we switched services, we never heard it.  So, I asked God if He would please let me hear it as I got ready.  When it didn't play, I didn't give it a second thought.  Silly me!  When we went to church,  a substitute praise and worship band was there.  Yup, you guessed it!  They sang the song I asked God for!  He gave me my own little live concert in which I could praise Him!  It was "One Thing Remains (Your Love Never Fails) by Bethel Music and Brian Johnson.  Here's a link to the song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ot6JKzTSby0

HE LISTENS TO US!

And, for today, that's my truth!

How It All Began

Hello There!

Well, there has indeed been much happening in my life.  I so appreciate your phone calls, text messages and emails.   Though I may not respond right away (or even at all), I do read them and feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing you love me! 

I decided to start this blog for many reasons.
1) To keep everyone updated.
2) To have a record of this journey and how my faith will grow and become stronger - and it will.
3) To give my family and friends a place to go to receive encouragement. 

This blog will be my truth - as imperfect as it may be - it's all mine.  I will be real with you - and more importantly with myself and my God.  I love you - and so does He.


The latest news is that I indeed have Stage 1, maybe Stage 2, triple negative breast cancer.  My oncologist drew the blood for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 test yesterday.  The results will determine my treatment.  I'm meeting with my surgeon simply to ask questions. 

But, how did we get here - to this point?  This is how it all began. 

Twenty years or so ago (truly, this is the real beginning) my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was blessed to walk down that road with her and, in her usual spunky manner, she tamed that beast.  Then, this fall, it raised its ugly head again.  In October, I was blessed to be able to fly to Pennsylvania for a short week and be with her. On the night before I flew back home from Pennsylvania, Daddy let me know that my aunt, his sister, had been diagnosed with breast cancer as well. 

This now made three women in my family that faced breast cancer, so I began the process of getting the BRCA1 and BRCA2 test done.  As I was waiting for the approval from my insurance company, my mind raced with all kinds of crazy thoughts.  Yes, I do go there occasionally!  :) 

During a church service I was lost in prayer as Pastor was praying.  He sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher to me, "Waaa waa...." while I petitioned our Lord.  (Here comes the "crazy" part.)  You see, in my family, events come in threes, three funerals, three accidents, three.........We had two breast cancer diagnosis very close together.  Who would be the third?  I thought of my children, my grandbabies, my family.  So, as I silently prayed, I made a deal with God - yes - I did.  Not scriptural, I know, but I did.  I told him that I would rather have breast cancer instead of watching any more of my loved ones, especially my kiddos fight this awful disease.  As I mentally ended my prayer, I ended it this way, "...I am a living sacrifice.  Not my will, but yours."  And guess what?  Just as I mentally prayed those words, out Pastor prayed them out loud!  Amazing.  I knew God had heard my prayer.  However foolish it may have been, it was from the depths of my heart and He heard it - and confirmed to me that He heard me. 

God hears us.  He hears our heart's cry.  He hears our wise prayers, our foolish, you know better than that prayers, our in His will prayers.  GOD HEARS US.   God listens to us with a loving heart. Then He takes care of us - we need only believe.  And, for today, that's my truth.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6